The truth hurts
by a.blip.in.time
Summary: AU with them in school. We all need to talk to someone, but what happens if you're too afraid? one-sided Janto and Gwack as much as i hate it . Mentions of self-harm and some language. I don't own the characters.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N This is just me venting so the character's may be out but I just needed to write this down even if it's exaggerated a little. AU and Ianto-centric with Gwen-bashing (sorry). And I do love Janto I just can't write anything happy. All mistakes are mine.**

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"Tosh, what happened?"

"I… uh…" she stuttered as the teacher walked in. A relieved look flitted across her face "tell you later"

"You better." Ianto glanced at the cut on her arm wearily once more before crossing to his seat.

The physics lesson dragged by and all that dominated Ianto's mind was his concern over his best friend's unusual behaviour. Even Torchwood High's best teacher Doctor Smith couldn't pull him from his thoughts.

Before he knew it the lesson was over. Snapping back to reality he saw Tosh's bag disappear through the door.

Sighing, Ianto followed the rest of the class out to the lunch rooms hoping the rest of the gang wouldn't be there so he could talk to her.

Ianto already had suspicions as to what was wrong with Tosh, he knew the signs. But the idea seemed so out of character for the shy, reserved geek it was difficult to get his head round. He prayed he was wrong because there was too much to deal with at home without his theory being correct.

Unfortunately the others were already gathered round the table, eating merrily and chatting seemingly oblivious to everyone's troubles. The talk would have to wait. Ianto's gaze flitted to his other best friend Jack and his heart stuttered in his chest. He knew he shouldn't feel like that but his undeniable feeling of love for the older boy was bearing down on his shoulders.

He felt a sharp pain in his chest as he saw Jack kiss Gwen. They had been going out for a while now but it still killed Ianto when he saw them together. He knew if his family knew his feelings he'd be kicked out so he let them boil inside him. He couldn't cause his dad more anguish. Especially after what the doctors said about his mum.

He pulled up a pew next to the final member of their group Owen and quietly following the conversation only commenting when necessary. His invisible status in the group was a curse but due to his current affairs he let it continue; it was easier that way.

The school day finally ended at 3:30. Anger hit Ianto as he realised he hadn't managed to talk to Tosh. She'd avoided him since physics. Ianto began the walk home with Owen (as they lived near each other) and joined in the usual banter but with slightly less enthusiasm then usual.

*~*~*~*~*~*TW*~*~*~*~*~*

Ianto sat in his room and let silent tears run down his face. The clock ticked towards midnight and he tried to loose himself in the physical pain rather than feel the emotional. Fear always won in the end though.

*~*~*~*~*~*TW*~*~*~*~*~*

Ianto finally cornered Tosh at break the next day. "Okay, you've been acting weird now tell me what's up."

The petite girl's gaze fell to the floor. "M-my cut. I, uh, it wasn't an accident."

Ianto looked away- he was afraid this was what happened. "Why?" he finally asked.

"It's just I've felt so alone and I swear it won't happen again it just escalated from a tiny thing. I know Gwen's done it and I thought it might help." She replied as tears formed in her eyes.

Ianto pulled her into a tight hug. "Look. Gwen is an attention whore so never copy her, it's like getting a worm to teach you trigonometry- pointless. Secondly, if you ever feel like that again then phone me. I don't care what time it is just promise you'll call."

He felt her give a shaky nod and released her from his vice-like hug. He stared into her eyes and resisted the urge to dump his troubles on her._ I deserve them _he thought _but she doesn't._

"So you don't hate me?" Tosh whispered.

_If I did I'd be the biggest hypocrite in history _he considered saying. Instead he said "never Tosh. I'll love you forever."

She let out a shaky giggle and pulled into a hug. "Love you too."

*~*~*~*~*~*TW*~*~*~*~*~*

Leaving his lesson, Ianto spotted Gwen loitering in a deserted corridor. Remembering what Tosh said about Gwen's influence he went over to give her a piece of his mind.

"Why the hell are you pretending to self-harm?" he raged.

She stared at him with a look that was a mixture of contempt and shock. "I don't know what you mean."

"I heard you just the other week telling Jack how 'horrible' your life is. Claiming you need sympathy to help heal your messed up brain. Well let me tell you if you act like that you are defiantly not what you pretend to be."

"Well Jones, looks like you caught me but how's this: If you repeat any of what you just said I'll tell everyone the truth about your sexuality. You won't be so smug when your parents make you live on the streets."

Ianto stared at her wondering how she knew. "Cat got your tongue Jones? I thought it might. If you so much as hint anything like that I promise you will pay" Gwen spat before turning on her heal and storming off.

*~*~*~*~*~*TW*~*~*~*~*~*

That evening Ianto went to the hospital and sat by his mother's bed. The BPM on the monitor were decreasing everyday but he tried to stay positive. _There was a chance she would make it _his brain cried. _She shouldn't be here. It's all my fault._ The beats per minute dropped another digit.

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**A/N Depending on events I may write another chapter but I'm not sure. Please review and advice wouldn't be un-appreciated!**


	2. Chapter 2

"So Yan, your birthday is coming up soon, what's the plan?"

The question caught Ianto off guard. Everything had been piling up so much lately, like weights crushing down hard on his chest. These days even breathing felt like a chore. The truth was he didn't even realise his birthday was coming up. Ianto looked at Jack's grinning face and put on his best fake-smile.

"I hadn't thought about it much really. What do you think?"

"well you're house has that massive basement doesn't it?" Tosh said, her thoughts running a mile a minute. "We could have a giant film-fest and sleep-over down there!" Everyone began planning the party as if Ianto wasn't there- just the way he preferred it. Only Gwen was the exception, her face growing sour at no longer being centre of attention.

"Ianto, mate," Owen began, dragging Ianto into reality once again. "You do this; it'll be an absolute legend!" Everyone nodded enthusiastically and even Gwen had to admit it would be cool. _If only I shared their enthusiasm_ Ianto sighed before sinking back into his silent world once more.

*~*~*~*~*~*TW*~*~*~*~*~*

"How've you been Tosh?" Ianto asked gently in one of the few private moments of the day. She smiled at him, understanding the hidden meaning behind his words.

"Better. I know I was being stupid. Thank you for helping me."

"So you haven't felt lonely or anything?"

"Well, not really. I guess sometimes I just wish… It's stupid, never mind." She covered quickly and Ianto sighed at his friend's dismissal of her feelings. He softly put his hand on her arm. "Tosh, if it's bothering you it's anything but stupid."

"I just wish Owen would notice me sometimes." _Guy trouble, _Ianto thought _I can relate. _

"Tosh, Owen thinks you're great. He just can't see past his ridiculous need to date any girl who'll go all the way on the first date. You're just too smart for him. But I promise, one day soon he'll realise how perfect you are."

"Thanks Yan" Tosh snuffled and she leaned into his chest for a hug trying to stem the tears leaking from her eyes. Ianto just stood and held her, his chin resting on her head. A slow smile spread across his face as he saw a jealous Owen glare at them from across the room.

*~*~*~*~*~*TW*~*~*~*~*~*

As his birthday drew closer, Ianto couldn't even mention it to his dad. The pain of a loved one slipping away was breaking apart the once-close, father-son relationship. So Ianto coped the way he always did.

*~*~*~*~*~*TW*~*~*~*~*~*

The busy hallways felt so empty. All the noise faded into a faint buzz. _Insomnia's a bitch_ Ianto decided as he got out his flask for another caffeine burst. _But I don't deserve a rest, it's my fault mum's… _his thought trailed off. Some things are too painful to face at 9AM.

He trailed into his tutor base and faintly smiled at the sight of his friends laughing. He slipped into his seat, silently and slipped his ipod headphone into his ear. His subtle entry remained un-noticed as the others were enthralled in Jack's latest story, so he sat back and watched his friend's interactions to the soothing music.

He saw Tosh sneak a glance at Owen and laughed silently when he looked at her the second she looked away. He also saw Gwen's possessive grip on Jack which, he wasn't reciprocating. _Means nothing,_ Ianto mentally reprimanded himself. _Jack will always be too good for me._

"Oh, Ianto, when did you get here?" Tosh's voice pulled him from his trance.

"Not long ago." He replied evasively. "What were you saying Jack?" And just like that his friends were off on another crazy story.

At the end of tutor, Tosh, Jack and Owen disappeared fairly quickly. As Ianto went to follow, a vice-like grip clung to his arm, the venom behind it punctuated by fake yet sharp talons. "Gwen?" Ianto asked as he turned around.

"I know you're game with Jack and listen to me now Jones: It won't work. Trying to make him think you care, is pathetic. So keep your hands of him." She whispered harshly before storming off.

"What the hell?" Ianto asked himself. _ So maybe I was staring into those gorgeous blue eyes but that doesn't give her the right… _Ianto sighed as realisation dawned on him. _Jack's Gwen's and never mine. I'd only mess up his life anyway. Just like I did to everyone else .I shouldn't even be here. _

Ianto left the room and faded into the crowd, ipod still playing Johnny Cash to him. _'I will let you down, I will make you hurt'. _Ianto couldn't agree more.

A/N So that's my attempt at chapter 2. Sorry if you were hoping for it sooner or if it's a fat let down. Please review and tell me what you think, if the characters were consistent, if I should keep going or just general help to make my writing better. Thank you people who have reviewed, favourited or story alerted- it made me very happy! The lyrics were from _Hurt _by Johnny Cash and it's a really awesome song. I hope you liked it!


	3. Chapter 3

The last week of term arrived and that weekend was also Ianto's party. Classes were slowing down the amount of homework given and the excited buzz was spreading around the five friends. Well, four and a damn good actor.

In maths, the only lesson they had together, the final days of school before a week long holiday was causing a major planning session which covered everyday of the holidays. "So Ianto, we're sleeping over your house on Friday and Saturday's your birthday."

Ianto gave a half-hearted hum of agreement and tried to stop all the number's blurring together on the page. "Sunday, we're all going bowling after four because I've got orchestra so…" Tosh got cut-off by Owen who had officially given up maths the day he learnt what it was.

"Why do you bother with that orchestra crap, Tosh? You always complain they aren't advanced enough for you and you're bloody violin."

"Well I'm sorry for enjoying my music and besides they're nice there."

"Mmm, I hear that Tommy is especially _nice_." _Oh here we go, Gwen: The queen of shit-stirring._ Ianto thought as he tried to subtly put in his headphones to block out the inevitable argument about to begin.

"What do you mean?" Owen began.

"Yeah, Gwen some-one you're not telling me about." _Oh great now Jack's involved. This will only end up in copious amounts of PDA, a confused Tosh and me having to sort everything out. Still better than them being upset, they don't deserve it._ Ianto thought as he blended into his music.

*~*~*~*~*~*TW*~*~*~*~*~*

By lunchtime, Jack and Gwen were all over each other (something Ianto really didn't need to see), Owen was pretending not to care that Tosh thought Tommy was "cute" and Tosh was having an argument with herself over whether Owen did care or not. Thanks to this, no-one was noticing Ianto falling apart from grief.

His thoughts had been on his mum all day. The latest from the hospital had left his dad a mess and Ianto had been left to sort out all the bills, cleaning, shopping and cooking. He was broken and slipping from reality every second. But no-one seemed to care.

*~*~*~*~*~*TW*~*~*~*~*~*

Thursday rolled around and Ianto was reaching the end of his thread. Everyone was so happy and so blind; they never seemed to notice what was really going on. None of the pain from his life at home was registered, none of the subtle digs Gwen enjoyed throwing his way were seen as anything more than banter between friends and none of the conflict in his brain was recognised. _Not that it's very important_ the voice at the back of Ianto's head.

The final blow came that lunchtime. Silently floating towards the lunchroom, Ianto heard the words that destroyed his world.

"I love you, Gwen Cooper."

Jack's sincere words reached his ears and Ianto broke down. The dam that had been blocking his tear ducts during the day-time finally burst and he sprinted to the nearest (and luckily deserted) loos. Slumping to the floor Ianto let his emotions run riot.

Fat tears poured down his face as sobbed violently on the floor. He shook to his feet and leant his head against the wall and pummelled it with his fist, not noticing as his knuckle hit a nail that stuck out the wall and made his hand bleed. He punched and punched until exhaustion from anger and grief collapsed him to the floor.

*~*~*~*~*~*TW*~*~*~*~*~*

Jack felt great. That lunchtime he had declared his love to Gwen and had never felt better since she returned his feelings. He was extra hyper that lunchtime and was enjoying the hilarious arguments his friends were having. But something was missing.

Halfway through lunch he left the table to go to the toilets. And as he entered the room he saw what had been missing from lunchtime.

"Ianto?"

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****A/N Yay cliff hanger! Please tell me what you think and point out any spelling errors as the other day I was told I should buy a spelling book so I can learn words****. Tell me if you want more of other people's points of view because I've been considering it. Anyway sorry it's short but I am working on the next chapter now! It will probably be posted soon because I'm currently stuck in the USA because of that volcano and I have nothing to do. Thank you everyone who has reviewed, alerted and favourited this story, it means a lot!!!**


	4. Chapter 4

"Ianto?"

Jack stared in shock at the normally so neat boy crying on the floor looking a complete mess. What the hell was going on?

Ianto looked up in surprise, his eyes red and puffy, making his vision blur. "Jack?"

Suddenly he sprang off the floor and turned away trying to ignore the older boy's curious gaze. He made his way over to the sink and splashed his face with water. It just made him look more pathetic than before.

"Ianto, what's wrong? Why were you crying?"

"Just some stuff. It's stupid." Ianto tried to lie smoothly but the hitch of his voice in the middle of his words gave away the bluff. Jack scowled at him.

"Don't give me that. Something has obviously upset you if you're in here crying and- Shit! Your hand!"

Ianto looked down and realised blood was dripping from the abrasion. "Oh, I must have caught it on something."

"You think?" Jack said as he grabbed the boy's hand and ran it under the tap. Ianto couldn't help but think his blood looked so pretty mixing with the water as it ran down the plug. "Ianto this looks pretty bad. How did you not notice it?"

"Umm," _I've become so used to pain I don't notice it anymore._ "I was distracted." He said instead.

"What the hell can distract you from that? Tell me on the way to medical."

Despite Ianto's protests about it not being that bad, Jack dragged him away from the bathrooms to the nurse's room. Ianto remained stubbornly silent on the way despite Jack's digging. He really didn't want to land all this crap on Jack but he didn't seem to be able to avoid it. As the nurse left to get some paper stitches, Jack began his assault of questions.

"Fine Jack," Ianto cut him off. "It's my mum. She's ill. Really ill and I…" His sobs forced him to stop and Jack pulled him into a hug- carefully avoiding the damage to his hand.

As Ianto's tears sub-sided Jack asked him the next question. "How long has this been going on?" Jack whispered hoping it wasn't too long.

"A few months." Ianto sobbed into his friend's shoulder.

"Shit." And nothing more was said.

*~*~*~*~*~*TW*~*~*~*~*~*

By the time the nurse had fixed up Ianto's hand it was time to go to afternoon tutor. They both walked in solemnly- Jack reeling from the news he had been given and Ianto filling with the guilt of landing Jack in his crap. The other three looked up from where they were chatting.

"Where the bloody hell were you two?" Owen practically yelled at the late-comers. Before either boy could answer Tosh cut in.

"Oh, Yan what happened to your hand?" She said staring at the white bandage.

"I don't know, it was bleeding when I was walking to the lunch-room so I went to the toilets to clean it up. Jack came in while I was and took me to medical to get it fixed." Ianto lied smoothly. _Practice makes perfect_ he thought bitterly. Jack glared at him but didn't say anymore, though even if he planned to, Gwen had stolen his attention with some made up story that was surely going to grab his attention.

"Ianto, what's wrong? You look like you've been crying." Tosh whispered to him as he sat down.

"Everything is fine Tosh. My eyes were watering from the anti-septic that's all." Ianto said before turning away to pretend to join the conversation.

She didn't pursue the topic- after all Ianto was easy to read. Wasn't he?

*~*~*~*~*~*TW*~*~*~*~*~*

Ianto bolted out of last lesson. He was determined to avoid another awkward heart-to-heart with Jack.

When he successfully arrived at his safe haven with out a confrontation, he retreated straight to his room. His father was at the hospital still. Looking back, Ianto realised he hadn't seen his dad for days. Checking his phone, there was a text from his father simply saying 'won't be home 'til late'. Nothing new there. For the past month the same text arrived almost every night.

So Ianto followed his own ritual. He walked down to the kitchen, grabbed a bread knife and began to slice.

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A/N This is probably the worst chapter I've ever written- which is saying something- but I hope it's not too horrific. I was hoping to cheer the hell up but then I watched _Glee_ (episode 16 'Home') and couldn't stop crying. Still, constructive criticism is appreciated or you can just yell at me to be happy, I don't mind which. Thank you people who have reviewed and stuff it makes me happy Sorry it took so long and for dumping some of my emotional turmoil on you!


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